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Barris walks through a small vegetable garden as he talks, occasionally adjusting a stake or pulling out a weed.

Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been.

The naked Barris approaches the bellhop, drapes his arm over the young man's shoulder and walks with him. CONTINUED: (2) BARRIS (conspiratorially) You know what I'd do? I'd rub Alpo brand dog food on my dick so the dogs would stick their noses into my...

BELLHOP (re: exploded tv) Um, another Gong Show rerun, sir? That was my trick, my great contribution to the world.

Naked Barris, still holding the gun, seems panicked.

Finally, he creeps to the door and peeks out the peephole for a long moment. The sweaty, young man, a bellhop, stands there with his many bags. CONTINUED: He tries to appear casual as takes in the sight: a naked Chuck Barris holding a gun, an exploded, smoking tv set in the background.

Still leaking urine even though I left the toilet ages ago. Does every man have the asshole he deserves by fifty, as well?

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The meter in the cab is at thirty-five dollars and change. Slow motion sparks and shards of glass shoot toward the camera. Oh, and get me a bag of plastic army men while you're out. BARRIS (CONT'D) Bellhop Johnson was clearly repulsed by the sight of me. The bellhop places the bags on a table, fishes in his pocket and pulls out some bills.

Barris trails off, gives a quick glance both ways down the hall, then motions for the bellhop to enter.

My hair is falling out in clumps, leaving exposed patches of white, sickly scalp.

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